Imagine Perfect Software, it’s Easy if you Try

As it’s Friday and Friday should be funday, I resurrected a couple of things I was playing with last year. One of the things I was playing with a couple of my favourite songs – to see if I could adapt them for Software Testing. Here’s a couple as a taster….

Imagine (originally by John Lennon)

Imagine perfect projects
It’s easy if you try
No risks impede us
No issues make us sigh
Imagine all the software
Faultless every day….
Imagine there’s no triage
It isn’t hard to do
No bugs to fix or pay for
And no debugging too
Imagine all developers
Living life in peace…
You may say I’m a Tester
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will be as one
Imagine clear requirements
I wonder if you dare
No need for code inspections
No rework or repair
Imagine all your users
Happy with their Apps…
You may say I’m a Tester
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will live as one

I also rewrote the chorus to Tragedy by the Bee Gees; remember, you need that (Barry Gibb) falsetto going full blast for this one!!

When the coding’s done and you can’t go on
You need Strategy
When the Tester cries and you don’t know why
It’s hard to bear
With no-one to help you, you’re goin’ nowhere
When you lose control and you’re in a hole
You need Strategy
When the Tester cries and you don’t know why
It’s hard to bear
With no-one beside you, you’re goin’ nowhere….Aaahhh

I was also messing around with a scene from Monty Python entitled “What have the Romans ever done for us” and reworked it in a Software Testing context, changing the title to “What have the Developers ever done for us?“…

The scene is of a small group gathered around in a huddle. There are three or four Test Managers and a band of 15 or 20 Test Leads and Testers. They are on the point of anarchy as we join them….

Bazman: (pointing at a scrap of paper) We’re getting’ in through the hand manipulation modulation feature here, up through the main input module here, and the Developers code is here. Having grabbed his code, we inform the Developer that the code is in our custody and forthwith, issue our demands. Any questions?

Tester Xerxes: What exactly are the demands?

Reg: We’re giving the Developer two days to fix all the bugs and if he doesn’t we’re going to publish them on our Blog, one by one.

Matthias: Cut his head off?

Bazman: Cut all his bits off. Send ’em somethin’ every hour. Show them we’re not to be trifled with.

Reg: Also, we’re demanding a 10 foot mahogany statue of the Development Manager with his **** hangin’ out.

Maddy: They’ll never agree to that, Reg.

Reg: That’s just a bargaining counter. And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop him up, and that we shall not submit to their blackmail!!

Testers (as a group): No Blackmail!!

Reg: They’ve bled us white, the bast**ds. They’ve taken everything we had from us, from our fathers and our fathers fathers… And what have they given us in return??

Xerxes: Our jobs?

Reg: WHAT??

Xerxes: Our jobs.

Reg: Oh, yeah, yeah. they did give us them; that’s true.

Tester #3: And the Performance fix.

Xerxes: Yeah, and the Performance fix. Remember what the product was like before the Performance fix?

Reg: Yeah, alright. I’ll grant you our jobs and the Performance fix are two things the Developers have given us.

Matthias: And the Binary de-coder (smiling).

Reg: Yeah, we’ll obviously the Binary De-coder. I mean, the Binary De-coder goes without saying, don’t it. But apart from our jobs, the Performance fix and the Binary De-coder; what have the Developers …..

Tester #4: Triage Support?

Xerxes: Memory Dumps?

Testers ( as a group): Yeah, yeah, yeah!!

Tester #2: Debugging Workshops?

Testers (as a group): Ooooh

Reg: Alright, fair enough.

Tester #1: And the new Interest pre-calculator

Testers (as a group): Ooh, yes!!

Maddy: That’s something we’d really miss, Reg, if the Developers left.

Tester #4: Extracts of Production Data?

Xerxes: And it’s safe to use the Defragger now, Reg.

Issy: Yeh, they certainly know how to keep things under control around here Reg, let’s face it; they’re the only ones who can…

Testers (as a group): Heh, Heh, Heh (resembling a cackle of hyenas by now)

Reg: All right, all right. But apart from our jobs, the Performance fix, the Defragger, the Production Data Extractor, the Debugging Workshops, Triage Support, the Binary Decoder, Memory Dumps and the Interest pre-calculator, what have the Developers ever done for us?

Xerxes: Brought Pizza?

Reg: Oh, shut up

…. Fades to rush for the door as the Pizzas arrive

I hope that made a few of you smile šŸ™‚

Dateline: Friday June 21, 2013


4 thoughts on “Imagine Perfect Software, it’s Easy if you Try

  1. I’ve worked on perfect projects:
    – Burndown is perfectly linear
    – System test is done a day early, with 0 open bugs
    – The Release Candidate is build #4

    The common theme on perfect projects? No customers yet…

    (thanks for the laugh with this post)

  2. Software can only be perfect when people are free of ambiguity and interpretation, and have embraced uniformity. When that happens it will not be that mankind has mastered machine – instead it will be that mankind as become machines … šŸ˜‰

    Skynet rules …

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